Lower East Side Story - Finale: I Hate I Love New York

created 3/31/2002, posted on 4/7/2002

"I Love New York More Than Ever."

I saw this poster again when I entered Katz's Deli on Houston Street.

Just like the old "I Love NY" logo you see everywhere on souvenir T-shirts, "Love" is substituted by a Heart (♥). Differently, in this "I love NY More Than Ever" poster, there is a smudge on the bright red heart. The heart is wounded, after the horrible September 11th Attack, but the love remains strong, more than ever. It occurred to me that my version of "I ♥ NY" will be with a shattered heart, with blood dripping down. Not just with a simple smudge.

This love is painful and I'm still feeling the bleeding.

And now I am leaving New York.

This was actually the first time I dined at Katz's Deli, which was made famous by Meg Ryan's faked orgasm in "When Harry Meets Sally." I've been walking past it almost every night on my way home but never really came in. Partly because I have turned vegetarian these days, their famous pastrami (roasted meat) sandwich would be too much for me.

Inside, the decoration is very casual and the atmosphere is very much like a cafeteria. But the price is not cheap, for a deli. Maybe this place is too famous, so the price has to match it. There are many celebrities' pictures on the wall, taken when they dined here. Included are the former president Clinton. With the old wood panels and high ceiling fans, this place doesn't look chic like many other Lower East Side restaurants I¡¦ve visited. However, it feels quintessentially New York. Something you can only find in this city, where anything can turn chic, even in a notably nostalgic term.

That's why I love New York so much. You can find so many interesting little treasures in your daily life. Sometimes, you are not even aware of it. You just live with it.

And living in New York, I very often feel I don't need to go to the other parts of the world, they have already come to New York. At least in culinary sense.

The other day, I dragged my luggage across streets of Lower East Side and SoHo, to my storage building. It was a breezy and warm Saturday afternoon. Restaurant set up their outdoor dining area. Beautiful people tried to get an outdoor table, so they can see other passerby and be seen. Their food looks delicious. Somehow, I wanted to join them, sit down for the lunch I hadn't had. But being a New Yorker for the past 18 months, I developed some cynicism: I guess the wait must be long, the host would not love to accommodate a single person, the service may be slow and languid, while the food should be pricier than they deserve. So I might wait for an hour and still had very bad dining experience. As usual, though the scene looks beautiful, however, I guess I have to work very hard to get into it. And most of the time, no matter how hard I try, I still cannot get into it. This type of life stories play out again and again in my 18 months' stay here. Just as you heard about New York, this is a very competitive and stressful place. And it is typically New York, any good thing comes with a huge price tag. And very often (as my experience in New York real estate market taught me), it costs much more than it is worth.

That's why I hate New York so much. I am so tired of living a life so harsh, with so much stress and frustration. My life has been complicated enough and this city only worsened it. I am also tired of working so hard to achieve just some minor goals. And at the end, most of my effort cannot even lead me anywhere.

"I've tried so hard and gone so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter."

In the end, I do not even matter.

On the last day living in my Lower East Side apartment, I just wanted to walk around, had a last look of my rejuvenated neighborhood, and have the last brunch at the Avenue B vegetarian place.

I know I will miss the convenience of walking across the street to get a box of milk at 2 a.m. and the 24 hours' public transportation. They don't have that in Atlanta. I also know I will miss those art-house movie theaters and numerous film festivals. Even though the movie theaters charge the most expensive price in the whole country, they also show many great movies earlier than other cities. Some movie released last November in New York might never reach Atlanta until May. I doubt if the movie "Yi-Yi" even ever showed in Atlanta.

No matter how sad my New York story had turned out to be, now I am on the final page. So glad it is almost over. So sad it has to come to this bitter end.

This final night, I stay with a friend at Battery Park City. His building is right next to Hudson River, only a few blocks northwest of the Ground Zero. It was just past midnight when my friends drove me there. Along Chamber Street, looking at my left, lights at Ground Zero shone so bright, just like a baseball stadium. There was no game going on but just a deep and huge hole there. It was where the World Trade Center used to stand. It was where New Yorkers used to complain about twin towers blocking sunlight to many residents. Now you can see through to the other side of Hudson River in New Jersey. Most of the debris and wrecked façade have long been removed. It is hard to see any trace of the two giants. Now Ground Zero looks just like a regular construction site. Sometimes, I cannot even imagine there are still hundreds of bodies buried underneath.

Suddenly, I understand that this city I love and hate has a wound actually deeper than mine. And just like mine, it will always be there. It will never be forgotten.

But we can choose to get over it. For New York, it chose to stand up and move on. As it seems in these first days of spring, life has been back to normal. People come out to shop, dine, and go to theaters and movies. People start to yell and push each other again in the streets and subway trains. This is quintessentially New York and always will be. New York moves on. Life is too short, it should not take too long for us to take a break to stop and cry.

So I should move on with my life too.

I chose a job bringing me to New York and now this very same job will take me away from New York. This seems ironic but I guess it is exactly what I need at this point of my life. Tomorrow I will move out of New York and move to the next stage of my life.

And just like Scarlet O'Hara said, "Tomorrow is another day."

Tomorrow, I will take a midnight train to Georgia.